my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There's always time for handjobs
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
