I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
