My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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