i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
