So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
