why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize