Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
