just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
