Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
