even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize