The maid of honor just puked.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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