I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
