very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
