This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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