It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
