Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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