I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
