Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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