you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
