We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
