All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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