you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
