the condom got lost in my hair
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize