We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
