i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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