if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
