New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
