Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
