last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
