Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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