wake up i wanna do it froggy style
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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