If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
