she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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