im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
