I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
