Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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