when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
