I am in a vortex of obligation.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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