Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
