and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
