Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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