I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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