perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
