I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have fence marks all over my body
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
