I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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