I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
