Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
