Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
