Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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