Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
