he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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