Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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