Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
