dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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