fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
