Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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