My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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